Finnish-born writer Linnéa Pesonen explores the concept of being a "Finnish Friend"
I've never been the greatest at making friends. It's not because I don't have use for a new friend or wouldn't be interested in gaining one; I've always thought that it's the Finnish in me. You know; slightly shy, reserved, a little bit withdrawn. Sometimes I'm hard on myself for being antisocial or thinking that perhaps I am just too picky when it comes to friends.
But being picky with relationships is good – an early defence mechanism, assuring that you won't get hurt because you've truly scanned this person before you let them in (which, as you'll soon realise, is such a Finnish thing to say). What really is at the core of friendship is quality, not quantity. I am proud to say that instead of an extended, superficial friendship group, I have my little inner circle, my ride-or-dies, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Photo: Benjamin Tarp
When I heard the phrase "Finnish Friend", at first, I didn't recognise it. Maybe it's because I am Finnish and thus consider all friendships to be Finnish friendships. Whatever the reason, as I came to learn its meaning, which is basically that a Finn will be your friend for life, it truly resonated with me.
You might wonder how notoriously introverted and somewhat restrained Finns can also be the best friends you'll ever have. Well, the answer can be traced back through history, to what initially granted Finnish people our reserved nature.
"Finland has always been very sparsely populated, and people have spent less time in groups or even coupled up. Hence, throughout our history, individuality and making it on our own has been emphasised," Finnish psychologist Mirjam Solomon tells me. Perhaps that's also why "sisu" (great resilience, courage, determination), another famous Finnish quality, has developed among us.
Photo: Benjamin Tarp
"Due to Finnish people's history of a lack of social interaction in groups, a stronger importance on dyadic relationships has evolved. Essentially, this means that we value more the trust, loyalty and affection that's present in intimate, closer relationships," Solomon explains. "In Finland, we're also missing the small-talk culture that often acts as an icebreaker and initiates friendships. So, when a Finn befriends someone, it happens on a deeper level of trust, creating a premise for a more profound friendship."
So it's safe to say that we take friendship seriously in Finland. I mean, instead of celebrating romance on Valentine's Day, we've dedicated the 14th of February to embracing our friends, calling the day "Ystävänpäivä" (Friend's Day). Now, this doesn't mean that I'm still friends with all the "BFFs" I had in elementary or high school. Instead, I think where the Finnish Friend quality comes into play is when we form those sisterhoods that help us navigate the challenging waters of adulthood.
Photo: Benjamin Tarp
Being in my early twenties and slowly descending into real adulthood has made me realise a few things: You don't see your friends as often as you used to. Friends take different paths, bringing them to far corners of the world. You might grow apart from those you were closest to in your late teens, and that's OK.
All of the above is true and utterly normal for young adults trying to find their place in the world. It's also natural that friends grow apart, or incidents occur that result in a friendship's demise. In my early twenties, I moved countries four times and faced these issues, but I guess the Finnish Friend in me didn't let me give up.
Photo: Benjamin Tarp
"The secret for a life-long friendship may be the acceptance of different phases that will occur throughout the relationship: there are times when you'll be in touch with each other often, and there will be phases when the communication is scarce. The key thing is to maintain the trust in the strength of the friendship and communicate feelings," Solomon says.
And I think this is at the heart of being a Finnish Friend. We know when to give our friends the space they need without them thinking that we've disappeared from their lives. But, we also understand that when that trust and loyalty is there, it won't disappear.
One of my best friends from my early twenties lives in Australia – the other side of the world. These days, we don't call each other super often, but it's like no time has gone by when we do. Another closest friend of mine I lost contact with for a while because I lived in a different country and she was in an all-consuming relationship. Still, we recently reconnected, and now we call each other almost every day.
Photo: Benjamin Tarp
In many ways, friends provide us that immovable backbone. Through failed relationships, career turmoil and existential dread, friends remain. Sure there's family, but those relationships can be tricky. Plus, we don't choose our family. Friends are chosen and, whether you're Finnish or not, worth maintaining for life.