Dear Little Lover Heart: This is how to stop overthinking

Dear Little Lover Heart,

I’ve heard you’ve been drowning in your thoughts. That you’ve been rummaging through your memories, through some of the things you’ve said and through some of the things you’ve heard. This, dear Little Lover Heart, is called overthinking.

Let me start with what overthinking actually means. A good friend, Deborah Mühlrad – a therapist, behavioural scientist and lecturer – describes it as “worry, or catastrophic thoughts about things that might happen in the future or around situations you can not control”. Some of these thoughts could be ‘what if my partner doesn’t love me anymore?’ or ‘what if my boss thinks I said something stupid during the meeting?'.

“Despite what spiralling thoughts you might have, these are never helpful to you. On the contrary, they are unhelpful, self-damaging strategies that we often use unconsciously to avoid what we feel and need deep down, as they could be something anxiety-triggering. When emotions are parked within you, rather than expressed to others, it makes you feel alone, unhappy and misunderstood,” says Mühlrad.

Now, why does overthinking occur?

Well, in Mühlrad’s words, “at some point in your life, you have learned from your parents and surroundings that certain emotions are not okay to express; for instance anger, sadness or fear. As a child, we sometimes learn to avoid expressing feelings that cause discomfort of fear, shame or pain. Instead, you turn the feelings against yourself. When you face a difficult situation as an adult, you react the same way as you did when you were a child; you avoid the feelings. It becomes like a phobia of emotions, a fear of feelings.” Quite rough, I know. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Recognising this pattern within yourself is the key to knowing that neither what you’re thinking or what experiencing is your fault. “ It happens entirely unconsciously and was a vital survival strategy for you as a child but not so helpful now that you're an adult,” adds Mühlrad.

“To identify our patterns, we need to observe our thoughts and behaviours daily to know what unhelpful strategies we use to avoid inner emotions such as anger, fear, and sorrow. Examples of unhelpful strategies can be changing the subject of conversation as soon as something starts to feel vulnerable, pretending everything is fine even though you feel sad, or becoming passive-aggressive after a few glasses of wine when you feel irritated or angry,” illustrates Mühlrad. “When we start to notice these unhelpful strategies, it will be easier to regulate the anxiety and recognise the inner feeling. Then you can begin to express what you feel in a helpful way and reduce anxiety, worry, and overthinking.”

Now, dear Little Lover Heart, while it takes time and practice to be able to act in a new way and everything is easier said than done, let yourself be guided by the curiosity, commitment and compassion towards yourself when things perhaps don’t go as planned. Remind yourself that even when things aren’t as simple as they look, it’s an individual and extended process that will allow you to make a change. Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help, which in turn brings me to Mühlrad’s top three tips for reducing overthinking:

1. Notice that you're using an unhelpful strategy of overthinking, brooding, worrying or something else.
2. If we push away the anxiety and fear for a moment, what do you feel deep inside? (for example: anger, sadness or wanting to get close to someone/something). Can you notice how it feels in your body?
3. What would you do to express and communicate the feeling in the right way, to the right person, and in the right place?

Hope this helps, and until the next time,

Yours truly,

The Big, Old, Wise Brain