"The good girl syndrome is so very real": An unfiltered personal essay by Danish 'Black Mirror' star Clara Rugaard

I am 25 years old and have no idea what I’m doing. This is becoming a bit of a mantra of mine and I’m not hating it. I’ve told myself that I must have full-fledged opinions and views on everything and if I don’t, I’m inadequate. The reality is, that I’m so far from knowing anything about anything. Isn’t that the only thing we know for sure? Still, we so dislike the unknown that we fill our heads with things we’d like to believe to be true only to disprove our own theories a year or two later. So I’ve come to the realisation that “I’m 25 and have no idea” is a pretty nice place to exist.

But here are some things that make sense to me right now.

Being an actor is not just fun and games, despite what my 11-year-old brain told me during my acting debut as Jane Banks in Mary Poppins at Det Ny Teater in Copenhagen. I guess no one really goes into this business knowing that they’re going to experience a hilarious amount of rejection, struggling with the constant ebbs and much less constant flows. Not to mention the abundance of inauthenticity or that the profession, most of the time, has zero per cent to do with “acting” at all. You become an actor because you love it, right? Well that love becomes a little muddled in all the other stuff sometimes.

Another formative thing: moving to a different country at the age of 16, even if you claim to know the language very well (English, in my case), is absolutely terrifying. I’d often tell myself that “everything was fine” when in reality... I was petrified. Eventually that catches up with you, I’ve discovered. I moved to L ondon at 16 due to my dad’s transfer within the navy, leaving my whole life, friends and identity behind at an age where it’s already bloomin’ hard navigating who the hell you are. That combined with the shock of moving from quiet Hellerup to fast-paced London was pretty destabilising. My mother is Northern Irish, so I felt like I’d hop straight of the plane, buy myself a scone and feel right at home. Turns out it takes a little (a lot) longer than that. I remember being the most tired I’d ever been in my life just trying to keep up with everything. My mum said she once found me face-planted in bed after school, with my legs sort of just hanging out off the side. But ‘no regrets’. I eventually came to see London for what it is: one of the greatest cities in the world – I’ve now lived here for 10 years.

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Something that my grandfather always used to say, which has only started making sense to me recently, was: “You’re lucky to be able to count your true friends on one hand”. The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realised how important it is to choose the people you spend your time with. Your friends are mirrors and will reflect back onto you, so spend time with people who lift and encourage you to be yourself. And if you manage to actually have a few of those knocking around? I’d agree grandpa, you are one lucky devil.

Back to my strange profession: don’t rely on the job to fulfil you. Find another thing that makes you happy! Often actors can feel like “I won’t be happy unless I am working”. Because, well, it’s tricky; the only product that you provide as an actor is you. Literally. Your product is your appearance, your voice, your brain, your personality – you. If you let it be the only thing defining you and bringing you fulfilment, it suddenly becomes very personal (I really don’t know how anyone is able to compartmentalise this job from your very being, but if you can, please, for the love of god, holler!).

Lest we forget the enormous lack of control you have as an actor (“Jesus, take the wheel!” feels like an appropriate description), so finding a way to relieve the pressure is a good thing all around. The thing that seems to be working for me right now is diving into other mediums of creative expression, like music. Music has always been an undercurrent in my life and has been a large factor in getting me to where I am today. I’ve always find myself grasping onto it whenever I am looking for answers or my emotions get the better of me. As I grow and evolve it feels a lot less like a crutch and more like an energy source. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s completely within my creative control, but there is nothing I can lose myself in more.

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You have to put yourself first a lot of the time and that’s completely alright. Saying “no” is self-care and standing up for yourself is crucial. The good girl syndrome is so very real; carrying the society-projected burden of “am I likeable and easygoing enough?” is legit nothing but cortisol and heart palpitations. The more you let that voice take over, the harder finding your own becomes. For me, staying true to myself but also to my creative instincts is vital. I don’t believe you should ever have to compromise who you are for anyone or anything. Especially not a job. I want to believe that all forms of art are rooted in truth and that truth will ultimately guide you. So stick up for yourself. And, most importantly...

Listen to your gut! It always knows, yet for some reason, by default, we always seem to be shutting it up? I am most definitely guilty of this. But then I read this amazing book Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estès, which is all about how we (women in particular, but men are encouraged to read it too) used to literally run with the wolves, completely at one with the wilderness. Over time, we’ve suppressed our grit and deep intuition so far down that we no longer know how to find it. But it’s in there! This book completely changed the way in which I look at instincts and left me feeling empowered to seek out that buried inner voice of mine and let it chime through.

Even armed with all this, my mantra holds – I am 25 years old and have no idea what I’m doing. But most people I speak to who have lived a full life claim that you never really know. And maybe that’s the ticket. Instead of getting so tangled up in trying to figure it all out the whole time, maybe leaning into the unknown and finding comfort and peace in the search and belief has been the answer all along? And right now, all these things feel true to me, and I am going to keep holding on to anything that feels true, that I know for sure... do I? Hey, ask me again in a year or two.